I hate to tell you that I’ve been pretty depressed.


It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I’ve been pushing myself as hard as I can to continue with my normal routine, albeit scaled back. I have to say, there is a particular kind of misery in forcing yourself to do something that you ordinarily love, but to hate it, to hate every fucking second of it so completely and force yourself to keep doing it anyway, because doing it is better than not doing it. It sucks, seriously. My broken brain is ruining my favorite things and because I am forcing myself to keep doing these things even as they are being ruined, I feel like an active participant in their demises.


I have been pushing myself to do things I would do if I were at my best, like editing and writing and work planning and little fun things, too, like cooking and baking, but godDAMN this is so tiring!! I am pushing and pushing all day and by the end of the day, just give me a shitty romantic comedy that I can zone out on, one after another, until I drop into sleep as quickly as possible because I’m totally exhausted. It’s what I do when I’m depressed: I stay up later and later, staying awake in the hopes that when I finally turn the light out and pull the sheets up I will be so tired I won’t be able to feel sad for even a second before I fall asleep. The space between waking and sleep is oh so painful. And if I fight and fight all day, of COURSE I can’t fight as hard at night! It’s the same reason why I’m not getting the exercise I should. It’s getting cooler at night now; it’s perfect walking weather in the evening but give me a fucking BREAK I’ve been working my ass off all day! It’s all been on the inside, so no one else sees just how hard it is to keep going, but trust me. Hardest thing to do. Just to keep going.


So, tonight it was around 3 a.m. and I couldn’t sleep and I decided to speed the process up by taking a Benadryl. (I try not to do that often because I don’t want it to become habit.) Then I decided to sit in a warm, relaxing bath (mostly because I haven’t showered in four days; sorry, but I couldn’t care less about my personal hygiene at a time like this). I am sitting in the bath and what do you know, that black space exists here, too! I am soaking and my mind twists. This rusted hook in my head goes plunging and dredges up all this old nasty shit—every bad thing I’ve ever done, everything I’ve regretted or felt guilty for, all the times I failed, all the people I let down—over and over, this sick display and there I am again, in fighting mode. So I fight. I cry and can’t breathe but I try to take deep breaths; I try to yell STOP to my stupid brain to shut the fuck up. I fight and fight and then this hammering thought screams to the forefront: I don’t want my life.


I’m NOT saying I’m suicidal; let’s just get that out of the way. But: I don’t want my life. I’m tired guys. I’m so damn tired of pushing myself with all that I’ve got to do a few very normal things and even then not doing enough. I’m tired of feeling unhappy. I’m tired just by weighing up all the bad days I’ve had in my life and thinking about all the bad days to come at some time or another. I don’t like my life at all right now, and I’d like to trade it in, thank you very much. I know, I know—everyone’s got problems, right? Everyone has struggles! Who am I to think mine are any worse? But wouldn’t it be kind of refreshing to deal with an entirely new set of problems? Recharge your brain by facing foreign challenges?


Everyone says you have to play the hand you’ve been dealt. That the truly happy people are happy because they don’t bitch and moan about that hand, they simply do the best they can with it. That’s great and all but oh god wouldn’t it be nice to once, just ONCE, re-fucking-shuffle??


5 thoughts on “Reshuffle

  1. I know I can’t say, “don’t be so hard on yourself” because it sounds like a cliche. You are strong, Q. I know you might have trouble believing this, but it is true. You have every reason in the world to be depressed right now, but you are still living your life. Give yourself credit for that, even if it is just a small token. Don’t push yourself so hard. Its ok to be miserable, but making sure you are using your supports. If no one is around, call someone. Don’t think that you are burdening anyone, get it out. You need to! Your family is here. I’m here. Friends are here. Give yourself time, and don’t set a limit. Grief is an ongoing process, it just changes its face a little over time. It will get easier to eventually do the things you used to love, but don’t feel like you have to conquer it now, thats too much to ask.


  2. I am luckily not in a depression right now but am hypomanic. But, I can completely, I mean completely relate to everything you have just written. I have been there so many times. It is so refreshing to read about others who feel this way. I have been there. The only people that can relate and say the correct things are the people that have lived with true clinical depression. Sometimes it just comes on with no warning and it is not because of something we did or didn’t do. It has nothing to do with thinking happy thoughts. That is bull shit and is for the people that have a little “normal” sadness or bad days or sorrow related to a real event in their life that caused them to feel sad like their dog died or something like that…. sorry for a truly sad example.

    I will not tell you to think happy thoughts, but the one thing I have had to tell myself that has helped me is not to go there….. you know that dark and gloomy dangerous place of the past and regret and guilt. I cannot go down that road. It is very dangerous for me and has almost killed me many times. So, I stopped going all the way down that road so I can stay alive!!!! I have to. I must!!! Forgive yourself of the past. It is over and you cannot change it now. Just make today a good one. It is all we have!!! I mean make it as good as you can at this moment.

    I will tell you this….. you are strong. You are a mental illness survivor, true beautiful depression survivor. Keep surviving and moving forward and know that struggles make us stronger, increase perseverance and compassion. People that know what true sadness and depression are usually are the people that make others happy because we know what true dark sorrow feels like and we do not want anyone else to feel that way. I will do whatever I can to make someone else happy so they never have to go down the road I have been on too many many times.

    You are a survivor. Thanks for your post. I can relate and I love that. Beautifully written!!! I hope you are better now. Hugs and blessings to you always and forever!!!!

    I just started my blog at the end of September. If you get a chance please take a look at it. Thank you and I hope you like it.


  3. Hello KQuarles. I pray things are better for you. I have experienced what you have written on your posts and have commented before. Also,I enjoy reading your posts because you are a gifted writer and it helps me to know others have experienced similar things I as I have. I completely understand wishing I could reshuffle but only hope the reshuffling turned out for the better! Fun choice of words…. reshuffle the deck…. reshuffle our brains once in a while until you got dealt a better hand!!!! Love it!

    I am nominating you for “The 3 Quotes a Day Challenge.”

    Please take the challenge. It will be fun and what a great way to start your day and inspire others with your quotes.


    Do 3 quotes for 3 days.
    Display 3 quotes a day on your blog.
    Nominate 3 bloggers per day for 3 days.
    Notify each of their nominations on your blog.

    This will be a very fun challenge. Enjoy, have fun and have a fabulous day!!!


    1. Hey, myloudbipolarwhispers, thank you so much for reading and commenting on my posts. What you’ve said has been really touching. I’m always happy to know that there are fellow sufferers out there who can relate. We’ve got to stick together and keep the word out there to help change the bipolar narrative. Good luck with your blog; I’m happy to read it. 🙂


  4. Thank you very much and… I always love all of your posts and your blog. I have nominated you for “The Versatile Blogger Award” because you are so awesome and fabulous. Here is my link to that post…. Please complete the 5 rules as soon as you get a chance. I am eager to see your responses and nominees. Hugs and blessings to you always and forever. ❤


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